That One

Dozens of writers are trying to help daters find great relationships if we find The ONE!  I mean no disrespect to those who claim this, but I’m now looking for THAT ONE instead of “The One.” I changed my mind when I learned from my friend Dee Wagner, a psychotherapist, that if you are searching for “The One,” you are actually looking for your mother, or whoever raised you.

Evidently relationship theorists have known for years that we attract mates with whom we can work out issues we developed in childhood. And now scientists explain to us about our need to attach to our biological mothers. Whatever happened to us as babies sets up what’s called our attachment style! 

So instead of looking for ‘The One” I’m going to start looking for THAT ONE.

From dating online these past 4 years, I have figured out THAT ONE may not be the best looking man I meet. Or the man whose profile I SO connect to online. He’s probably going to be someone I’m attracted to, but not over the moon about at first.

This is a shocker. I’m accustomed to fireworks. I want BOOM!!!

I’m used to the “ants in your pants” and “popping a blood vessel” feelings described in the sensation chart in “Naked Online:A DoZen Ways to Grow From Internet Dating.” I’m new to the sensations the book calls “the fertile valley” of “Om,” “cautiously content,” and “in the flow.”   

I’m a co-author of this book, so it may seem strange when I say I’m learning from it. But “Naked Online” was written for me in a lot of ways. I co-created it with Dee and her partner, who she met online. We all used our online dating experiences. Dee threw in her therapeutic skills and work with couples and clients who online date. Naked Online is a book/workbook to help us deal with the stresses of dating online and to make the whole process playful, instead of so serious.

The sensation chart in Chapter 9 has worked well for me. When I go out with a guy and I stay conscious of my body and how I feel, I stay in the “fertile valley.”  Instead of popping a blood vessel and building a great fantasy about how this connection will go, I stay more present.  I am able to practice mindful romance. And more and more science shows that it is from staying calm and “in the fertile valley” that we are able to truly connect and grow towards a long term, healthy relationship with THAT ONE.  

 Author Kathy Jernigan is co-author of “Naked Online: A DoZen Ways to Grow From Internet Dating,”  ( and