Profiling is Good…for Digital Dating

By Dee Wagner, LPC, BC-DMT

Our world is learning that profiling others is dangerous. When we profile people, we often make poor decisions about them because our decisions are based on generalities rather than information about each individual person. Is that why digital dating trends are moving away from the writing and reading of profiles?

Aren't dating profiles just a sales pitch anyway? If we are going to judge superficially due to inadequate information, whether we read a profile or not, why not just swipe photos?

I was working with a client in my therapy practice who shared that he was trying the more traditional online dating. He had written a profile and had begun reading other people's profiles. Online dating had never come up in our work together so he didn't know that I had co-created Naked Online: A DoZen Ways to Grow from Internet Dating.

Before I shared with him about the book/workbook, he complained about the profile process in a way that so matched the information in Naked Online's first two chapters that I wanted to write about it. He said that a friend of his read the profile he'd created and called him out on his lack of authenticity.

My client admitted he was trying to write what he thought women would want to hear. He then acknowledged that reading profiles sent him off into fantasyland and he could tell that his journeying far from reality hindered him finding a romantic partner. I validated that truth and shared the playful way that Chapter Two of Naked Online encourages using our fantasies as a way to learn more about ourselves.

I shared that Chapter One encourages the writing of our profiles as a way to fall more deeply in love with ourselves. His eyes lit up. He told me his friend's suggestion of what he should write felt really good to him. It felt good to be less concerned about pleasing someone else and more concerned with sharing what he feels passionate about.

It is true that profiles are limiting in terms of how much we can actually learn about another person and people may not be honest because they feel the need to sell us on themselves. So what's the use of writing or reading them?

The more we know ourselves, the better we are at navigating relationships.

Writing and rewriting a profile in a playful way helps us discover what is important to us. Mindfully watching where our fantasies go when we read others' profiles helps us think about what we want to bring into our lives that is not dependent on any particular partner. Knowing what we want helps us negotiate for those wants in our relationships.

Aren't we getting dangerously close to narcissism if we focus too much on what we want? No. Narcissism is not about the wanting; it is about the inability to accept that we do not always get what we want.

When we experience the fact that we can want something and not get it without the world ending, we become free to honestly campaign for our wants. As we experience that life is okay even when we don't get what we want, we develop a willingness to share. We become willing to give up some of what we want so that others can sometimes have what they want.