The Five Love Languages vs. Falling in Love with Yourself
By Carly Sackellares, MSW
Have you ever felt unloved in an otherwise healthy relationship? You know your partner loves you, but it just doesn't feel like it. Maybe you long for a tight squeeze after a tiring day, but instead, you come home to a bouquet of red roses. Or perhaps your partner sends you a loving text message every morning, but you really wish they'd take care of the dishes in the sink. You feel misunderstood—almost as if you're speaking two different languages.
Gary Chapman's 1992 book The Five Love Languages has become a societal sensation. Chapman names five preferences for love expression: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gift-giving, and physical touch.
The problem with the idea of Love Languages is that knowing what we want doesn’t necessarily lead to getting what we want. Not getting what we want can stir up little kid needs for attunement. Does the kid inside you say, “Why don’t you give me what I want? Didn’t I tell you my Love Language? Why aren’t you making me feel loved?”
When we're babies, our caregivers ideally learn to attune to our needs. Chapter 6 in Naked Online explains attunement this way:
When infant attachment is secure, the primary caregiver is able to respond to the physical and emotional needs of the baby, based on the timing and temperament of the baby. When the baby is hungry for interaction, most times the primary caregiver is available to interact. If the baby wants to be held but allowed to digest that previous interaction, the primary caregiver respects that need, not overstimulating the poor baby with coochie-coos when what the baby needs is just simple, quiet holding. So when there is secure attachment (and pay attention here), the baby feels sufficiently in charge of the comings and goings.
If you're feeling the urge to look to your partner to attune to your needs, I invite you to listen to the words of Resmaa Menekem, author of Rock the Boat. Menekem daringly declares in his chapter titled You are Not Eachother's Baby,
In a romantic relationship, it is not the job of either partner to meet the other's needs. That's the job of a parent with a baby.
Growing beyond the want for someone else to take care of our needs involves falling in love with ourselves. When we're online dating, this process can happen as we create our profiles. Finding security in who we are helps us to meet our own needs. Finding a partner to love can be an added bonus.
I'm here to support your process of falling in love with yourself as you navigate your romantic relationships. You can contact me at carly@carlysackellares.com or (770) 846-0128. I'm looking forward to meeting you.