The Limits of Should-ing Yourself

By Carly Sackellares, MSW

I invite you to think about a problem or moral dilemma you are facing. Perhaps you can imagine a trusted confidant you'd reach out to for advice.

What's the first question that comes to mind to ask?

For many of us, "What should I do?" would be at the top of the list. 

However, a recent Inc. Magazine article says the first thing we should do is use another word besides "should.” The article, Research Shows Using One Word Will Help You Develop Better Ideas, Solutions, and Problem-Solving Skills, speaks to how "should" limits, while "could" empowers. 

"Should" feels like something you have to do.

"Could" feels like something you get to do.

-Jeff Haden

In Chi for Two we say, "It's more fun to want something than to need something." While nixing our "shoulds" could sound like the ideal solution, Chi for Two offers a deeper understanding of our "should-ing.”

Limiting our choices can feel safe. If there's only one option, there's no room to make a mistake. When faced with a moral dilemma, choosing the "right" answer can feel like a life-or-death endeavor. 

The Chi for Two practice Reach/Grab/Pull helps us recognize that reaching out to others for the answer is a redo of an infant/parent interaction. When we're babies, we don't have the means to verbalize our needs. We reach our hands to grab for what we need.

This stage of our development makes attunement especially important. We are in a life-or-death predicament. If our parents can't accurately predict our needs, we won't survive. 

In dating, we can be mindful of our arm’s reach, our hand’s attempt to grab hold of something that will meet our needs. As we reach for our phone, we may become mindful of a wish to find the “right” someone, someone who knows what we need.

In the Mindful Online Dating Workshop, participants learn to have compassion for their infant urges. This compassion can shift their swiping from anxious swiping to more playful swiping. This makes dating more fun.

I invite you to join our next workshop. You can contact me at carly@carlysackellares.com or (770) 846-0128. I'm looking forward to meeting you.