Finding "The One:” Weeding vs. Cherry Picking

By Carly Sackellares, MSW

Are you someone who is often told they are "too picky" while dating? If so, that can be frustrating to hear, especially when it's coming from a parent anxiously awaiting grandkids or a friend who hasn't been in the dating game for years. 

While usually well-meaning, this unsolicited sentiment fails to acknowledge how dating can stir our unfinished infant/parent dances. 

What can be helpful is recognizing the difference between "weeding" and "cherry-picking.” Chapter 4 in Naked Online: A DoZen Ways to Grow from Internet Dating puts it this way:

A great benefit of the algorithms of the online dating process is some weeding out of people with logistical deal-breakers. By praising the weeding possibilities, we are not encouraging a swing toward an opposite horticultural metaphor, cherry-picking. It is unrealistic to hope that online algorithms can pop out a perfect fit like a machine in a sci-fi story. But we can, if we are honest about ourselves throughout the matching process, screen out those people who do not appreciate the unique, honest, wholehearted people we are becoming as we use our Internet dating experience to grow.

Online dating burnout often comes when we lose sight of its limitations. We can appreciate the benefits of dating apps, like their ability to "weed out" logistical incompatibilities, while recognizing that they probably won't pop out our perfect match. 

Dating advice often preys upon our wishes to find "the one," our soulmate, our better half. However, this notion implies that we aren't entering a romantic relationship as a whole person. We can get into “cherry-picking” territory when we are looking for a person to make us whole. 

Viewing online dating as an opportunity to practice our relationship skills, take up space, and find our authentic selves allows us to use the apps for our benefit rather than feeling like they are using us. When we let go of the idea of "the one,” we can enter romantic relationships wholly and fully. We open up a world of possibilities and recognize we can have a successful relationship with anyone who appreciates who we are.